Smart hubby
A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
“What was that for?” the man asked. The wife replied “That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket”.
The man said “When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on”
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
“Your horse called up”
The Polite way…
The Polite Way to Pee
“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”
Michael said: “Just a minute I have to go pee.”
The teacher responded by saying: “That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?”
Sherman said: “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”
Johnny said “I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.”
The teacher fainted…
Year 2200 story…
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance — particularly in the
flower, perfume and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable
programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Husband 1.0 is also unable to download movies, especially film songs with
racy dances. Instead, it returns to default news channels.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the
system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no
avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband
1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: ‘I Thought You Loved
Me.exe’ and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the
Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically
run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a
very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the
background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are
unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying
additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0
and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck, Tech Support
INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Family background
A little girl asked her mother,
‘How did the human race appear?’
The mother answered,
‘God made Adam and Eve and they had children and then all mankind was made.’
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered,
‘Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.’
The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
‘Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God,
and Dad said they developed from monkeys?’
The mother answered,
‘Well, dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.’
Desi Mum
A young Pakistani man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, ‘Ma, I’m going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.’ The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. Later, he says..
